I've made it my life's mission to desensitize myself. Which is the exact opposite of how I want to live it. I once read a story about some teenage asshole that thought it would be hilarious to bake a live puppy in the oven. I read that nine years ago and it still will not leave the dark caverns of my mind. Late at night as I circle every challenge I make myself like a shark - I say aloud, 'don't think about that puppy' and BAM! That's all I think about. In extreme and unnecessary detail. Upside is that it gets me out of my own bullshit for a few minutes. Downside is that A FUCKING PUPPY WAS BAKED IN THE OVEN.
I do this with all forms of media as well. If a song stirs any kind of emotion, I will buy it and listen to it about fifty times in a row so I won't be affected by it if it comes on in a public place. The image I've created for myself trumps reality. I watch 'Melancholia' every time it's on for this same reason. Flawed and legitimately unlikeable characters that finishes with the world ending. I totally LOL now. Lars von Trier is a comic genius.
Where does this convoluted haze cross the line? When I do this with people. It could be a newsworthy person, a new Facebook friend, a potential business contact or better yet...a best friend or lover. (Side note: I hate the word 'lover'). I saturate my world with everything there is to know and feel about them so I won't be surprised by any move they make. This never works by the way. They don't know I'm doing this, I'm slick. But I'm still flabbergasted by the sheer inhumanity of humans. Or what I perceive humanity to be.
These might be the practices of a master manipulator. I know these types of people - I can smell my own. Or quite possibly and more than likely...I'll be forever alone, even in the best of company.
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